


Hold Me Close

by zebraljb



Series: Tis the Season [8]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 05:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16927467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zebraljb/pseuds/zebraljb
Summary: PROMPT - huggingAll Harry wants is to hug the new love of his life...who doesn't seem to want the hugging.  At all.





	Hold Me Close

HOLD ME CLOSE

The first time it happened was on the way down the hall of HQ. Eggsy had a lot on his mind, thinking about his most recent mission and how it could have gone better. A voice behind him said, “Hello, you berk, why haven’t you called me” and suddenly there was a weight on his back, arms going around his neck. Without thinking he flipped the person over his head, landing them on their back with his foot on their chest and his fist pulled back to strike. Roxy stared up at him, eyes wide.

“Sweet Jesus, Roxy, I’m sorry.” He helped her to her feet and hugged her. “Surprised me is all.”

The second time it happened, he was at the range. He’d just finished practicing, taking off the protective eyewear and earplugs. “Well done, lad.” Merlin’s hand squeezed his shoulder. Eggsy grabbed it and twisted it, seconds away from breaking the strong wrist.

“I…I’m sorry, sir,” Eggsy stammered. “Thank you for the compliment.”

“You’re welcome, and it’s fine.” Merlin simply rubbed at his wrist and walked away.

Eggsy didn’t notice that whenever he’s in a room, he makes sure his back is never to the door.

 

“Permission to enter, Arthur?”

“Yes, Galahad.” 

Eggsy comes into Harry’s office and shuts the door. “How are ya, ‘arry?”

“Good. Better now.” Harry gets up and walks around his desk. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?”

“Yes, if ya want.”

“I do want.” Harry takes Eggsy into his arms. He feels Eggsy stiffen and then eventually relax. “Do you?”

“Course I do.” Eggsy smiles up at him and Harry gives him a quick kiss.

“Good. We can discuss your marks on the range.”

“Aw, c’mon, luv, we really gonna talk about work on our date?”

“What better time?” Harry says with a straight face.

Eggsy gives him a cheeky wink. “Yer just mad cuz I beat your scores. Again.”

“I might have heard about that, yes.”

“Meanin’ Merlin rubbed it in.” 

“He may have brought it up once or twice…or three or four times.”

Eggsy laughs and pulls away. “Why am I not surprised?”

Harry tenderly brushes the back of his hand over Eggsy’s cheek and Eggsy kisses his fingers. “Pick you up at six?”

“Can’t wait.”

They have a wonderful dinner and then Harry drives Eggsy back home. He walks Eggsy to his door and waits for Eggsy to let them in. Once they’re inside, they stand by the door and look at each other. “I had a nice time.”

“I did, too.” Eggsy looks up at Harry from under his eyelashes in a way that stirs Harry’s groin. He moans and yanks Eggsy into his arms, fiercely kissing him.

Eggsy wriggles away, trying to smile. “Jesus, ‘arry, caveman much?”

“I’m sorry, dear boy, I just…”

“Kidding.” Eggsy takes Harry’s hands, gently sets them on his waist, and wraps his arms around Harry’s neck. “Let’s try that again.”

Harry tries not to notice Eggsy’s discomfort.

 

But he DOES notice. Again and again. Eggsy doesn’t seem to mind kissing him, but every time Harry tries to put an arm around him and pull him close, he jumps and wiggles away. Hugs are brief and sometimes barely fit the definition of the word. Eggsy seems happy to see him, loves spending time with him, but he doesn’t want Harry to hold him. At all. They spend nights at Harry’s home just sitting in the parlor and talking, seated on the very comfortable sofa in front of the fire. Harry will nonchalantly put an arm around Eggsy, trying to pull him close to cuddle, and Eggsy immediately stiffens and pulls away. Instead he’ll lay back and put his feet on Harry’s lap, tickling his stomach with his toes.

If Eggsy can’t stand to be held by Harry…will their physical relationship proceed any further?

Harry spends most of his free time analyzing the situation and looking for a solution. He doesn’t feel he’s intruding in Eggsy’s personal space in a manner that’s unwelcome to Eggsy; Eggsy will often lean over Harry when he’s at his desk, or sit on his lap, or even hold his hand. So THAT’S not a problem. The kissing seems to be going well…at least Harry thinks so.

Harry spends his free time thinking about it…and eventually his work time as well. He gets so frustrated that he attempts to shove the situation out of his mind and focus on work. But apparently that’s not a good idea because now he’s frustrated at work as well.

“They’re numbers.” He throws his pencil across the room, barely missing Merlin’s face. “You’re good with numbers, make them behave!”

“Scolding the numbers will not make this budget balance, Harry,” Merlin says calmly. “And I ask that you please be a little more careful with your writing utensils.”

“Fuck.” Harry rubs at his eyes. “Why is everything going so wrong for me? I’m a good person, deep down. I’m kind to animals. I help little old ladies across the street. I’ve given up most of my life in service for others. Why. WHY?”

“I’m assuming this does not have anything to do with the budget?”

“Partially, because when I took the name of Arthur I didn’t plan on having to budget. Or count things. That is not an Arthur-type job.”

“You’re the head of Kingsman, Harry. That means EVERYTHING is your job.” Merlin sips at his tea. “And I’m quite tired of you barking at me today. You’re worse than the puppies in the kennel.”

“Fine.” Harry takes a deep breath. “I don’t think Eggsy likes me.”

Merlin chokes on his tea, managing at the last minute to swallow it instead of spewing it in Harry’s direction. He laughs until tears creep down his cheeks. Harry waits indignantly until Merlin manages to settle himself. “Ahem. I’m terribly sorry, Harry, went down the wrong way. You were saying?”

“I don’t…well, let me rephrase. I don’t think Eggsy likes me touching him.”

“Harry.” Merlin stares at him. “If it wasn’t improper behavior for the office, that boy would be kneeling next you on the floor, butting his head into your hand until you pet him. He loves you touching him.”

“I don’t think so. Every time I try to hold him, try to pull him in, try to cuddle with him? He acts like I’ve dropped ice cube down his back, and finds an excuse to pull away.”

“Oh. That.”

Harry’s mouth drops open. “What do you mean “oh that”? You know what I’m talking about?”

“Lancelot told me she jumped on his back one time and he flipped her onto the floor and stood on her chest. I squeezed his arm and he almost broke my hand.”

“Oh my God,” Harry whispers in shock.

“I was concerned, I’m not going to lie. We can’t have our agents reacting that way around HQ. But then I really thought about it. Consider his history, Harry. How many times do you think he’s felt a loving touch? How many times has someone put an arm around him out of affection? How many times do you think someone has crept up on him from behind?”

“Oh.” Harry puts his fingers to his forehead again, but for a different reason. “My darling boy. But why hasn’t he SAID something? I thought we were in a place where…”

“Harry. You are his mentor, his hero, his Arthur. You’re the man he has very strong feelings for. He admires so much about you…how can he tell you that it bothers him when you touch him in that way? He’s had a crush on you for ages now…the last thing he wants to do is push you away.”

“What do I do?”

“That’s not for me to say.” Merlin gives him a kind smile. “You’ll figure it out. After we discuss this budget.”

Harry growls at him but gets up to retrieve his pencil.

 

“Wow, Haz, this was incredible,” Eggsy says as Harry clears their plates away. “Ya didn’t hafta go ta all this trouble fer me.”

“It’s never trouble if it’s for you.” He bends down and kisses Eggsy’s upturned face. “Why don’t we have coffee on the sofa?”

“All right. I’ll make it.” Eggsy jumps up and starts the coffee as Harry finishes cleaning up dinner.

They take their cups into the parlor, where Harry allows Eggsy to sit down first. He sits next to him but at a safe distance away. “I’d like to speak with you about something.”

“Okay.” Eggsy immediately looks worried. “Did I do somethin’ wrong? I shoulda brought somethin’, right? Yer supposed ta bring wine or sommat when ya come fer dinner.”

“No, dear boy. I expect nothing from you but your own wonderful self. It’s about…” Harry takes a deep breath. “I…I’ve noticed you don’t like it when I touch you.”

Eggsy looks confused. “Don’t like it? I love it when ya touch me. I’d prefer ya ta touch me more often.”

Harry smiles. “I’ll remember that. I misspoke…I mean you don’t like it when I hold you. Embrace you. I’ve gotten a bit concerned. I just want to know that you DO want me to touch you. If I could, Eggsy, I would pull you onto my lap or into my arms and never let you go. I love the feel of your skin, the softness of your hair, the smell of you. But I’ve realized you don’t feel the same, and I feel we should discuss it.” Harry looks down at his coffee.

“I…I do want that. Swear down, ‘arry. I love when you hold me, makes me feel so safe. But I…fer years I had ta watch my back. Never knew when tha next hit was gonna come. Or I’d be sittin an’ lookin’ at somethin’ and he’d reach over my shoulder ta grab it, take it away. Ya rarely come at me from behind, so that ain’t it. I just…sometimes I feel caged in.” Eggsy looks miserable. “I want ya, ‘arry. I want yer arms around me. But ya do it an’ instead of feelin’ loved I feel…trapped. I hate feelin’ this way.”

Harry puts his hand on the sofa cushion face up. Eggsy slowly reaches over and holds his hand. “It settles me knowing you want my arms around you, dear boy. But I never want to hurt you, scare you…traumatize you in any way. I promise to never embrace you from behind unless you see me coming. As far as holding you tight…I will do what I can to keep my hugs slow and tender, so you can prepare for the feeling. And if you need me to let go, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. I’ve been blessed to have you in my life, Eggsy. I will do whatever’s necessary to make sure you want to stay there.”

“Haz.” Eggsy slides down the sofa and rubs his nose against Harry’s. “What have I done ta deserve ya? I’m so broken an’ fucked up.”

“And I’m not?” Harry kisses him. “We’re perfect for each other.”

“We are.” Eggsy kisses him back and turns to snuggle against him, moving Harry’s arm where he wants it. Harry smiles and buries his face in his boy’s hair.


End file.
